


the choices we (you) make

by lj0803



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Blood, Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Loss of Virginity, May update tags later, Mildly Dubious Consent, Non-Graphic Smut, Seduction, Self-Harm, Unsafe Sex, Violence, a great friend, best friend vernon, but that’s not really important - Freeform, i mean really going through it, it’s a bit graphic so please take note, mentions of others - Freeform, no scratch that, seungkwan is a singer, seungkwan is going through it, seungkwan sleeps a lot, stay safe friends, vernon is a good friend, whatever you do don’t tell joshua
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29362149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lj0803/pseuds/lj0803
Summary: Seungkwan finds his life going downhill after an unexpected encounter with his good friend, who also happens to be Joshua’s sister.*I will do my best to place a warning above the chapters that contain possibly triggering content*
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

His friend playfully elbowed his arm, knocking his phone from his hand.

"Ya, you're the one that invited me over!" she said, a hint of a teasing smile on her face. "So let's pick the movie now, huh?"

Patience had never been her strong suit.

"Fine, fine." He tossed his phone onto the nightstand, laughing quietly and biting back a sarcastic remark. He knew how she could be. "What did you have in mind?"

He listened as she rambled on about the movies on Netflix she had heard were good, nodding his head and inserting a word or two on occasion so she wouldn't feel like she was leaving him out of the decision-making process, though they ultimately settled on a movie she talked herself into. Which was fine. He was down for anything.

He settled comfortably into the bed, a pillow behind his back and a fuzzy blanket covering the both of them.

He smiled when she rested her head on his right shoulder as the opening scene played on the large TV screen.

Within a couple of hours, the first movie finished. She sat up and pawed around for the remote, finding it in seconds and choosing another film.

As the opening credits played, he suddenly felt his eyelids grow heavy with tiredness. He had been working hard in the studio all week, and desperately wanted, _needed_ , some shuteye. He told himself he shouldn't feel guilty if he fell asleep while spending time with a friend. She would understand.

He had no idea what time it was when he was startled awake by her nudging his arm, his neck cracking as his head jolted from its uncomfortable position on the headboard.

"Hey, mister! You missed the ending, didn't you?" she pouted.

He reached a hand back to rub at his neck. "Ah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep, I promise..."

She laughed lightheartedly, squeezing his arm. "It's okay. I know you've been working hard recently."

"Still, I'm sorry. I invited you for movie night and here I am, not even making it through two." His neck was feeling a bit better now.

She cocked her head as she turned to look him in the eye. "I guess you'll just have to make it up to me, then," she said, a playful smile creeping onto her face.

He raised his eyebrows. "Oh? And how's that?"

"Make pancakes in the morning?"

He rolled his eyes, unable to resist breaking into a smile as well. "I think I can manage that."

"Good," she replied, her hand beginning to soothingly rub his arm. She had been doing that recently and he didn't know what had prompted it. He didn't mind, though. She was just touchy sometimes.

Sitting in friendly silence for a few minutes, he rested his head back on the headboard behind him, staring at nothing. He was brought back to reality when she softly called his name. "Hm?" he grunted, not paying her much mind in his tired state.

Apparently unsatisfied with his lack of response, she placed her hand on his cheek, making him turn his face to look at her. He parted his lips in surprise. She had his full attention now.

He waited for her to say something, but she didn't. Just kept staring. Frowning, he broke the silence. "Are you alright?"

Her eyelids fluttered as her trance was broken by his voice. "I..."

Her face moved closer to his before he could react. She chastely pressed her lips to his cheek before he felt them firm against his own. More than surprised, his eyes widened, his palm gently pushing her away by the shoulder.

"What was that for?" he asked, not unkindly, more confused than anything. He noticed his heart rate inching up slightly.

Seemingly unfazed, her hand made its way back to his face, her thumb lightly brushing over his cheekbone. "You've always been such a good friend to me."

He frowned. "Well, of course. Why wouldn't I..."

"But..." she continued, before pausing.

"But what?" he urged.

He watched her swallow before she moved even closer, her mouth nearly on his jaw. Flustered, he inched back a little, thinking she would try to kiss him again. Instead, she spoke in a low voice, her breath hot next to his ear.

"But tonight, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what it would be like to have you inside me."

He quickly turned his head away from her, his hand pulling hers from his face as a rush of heat surged through his body at her words. His face suddenly felt unbearably warm.

"God, did you have a few drinks while I was asleep?" He nervously cracked a small smile at his weak attempt at humor.

"Hey," she said softly, her voice heavy with want. "Look at me."

"I... I don't think I should," he stuttered out. "I think we should call it a... a night." He shifted a bit more to his left, putting more space between the two of them.

She sighed. "I'm sorry. I've just really... _missed_ you recently and I..."

He put a hand to his face. It was still hot. "Look, I've missed you too, but I don't think saying something like that is exactly appropriate..."

"Maybe I don't want it to be."

His wide eyes finally met hers again as she yanked the blanket aside, turning to swing herself around so she could straddle him. He swallowed thickly. He was already half hard from how she was speaking to him, and this new closeness was not making it any easier.

He groaned, gripping the sheets with clenched fists as she placed her hands on his shoulders and shifted her hips forward, pushing against him in just the right way. "Oh my god..." He let his head fall back against the headboard again.

If she didn't already know him well enough to know he had never been in this situation before, it would be more than obvious by now.

She tugged off his t-shirt and her shorts before attaching her lips to the sensitive skin under his jaw. He placed the back of his hand over his mouth when he felt her tongue on his skin, not wanting a moan to escape his lips. When she noticed what he was doing, she moved his hand away.

"I want to hear you."

He wordlessly shook his head, biting down on his lip instead as he felt her hand snake down his chest. Her fingers played with the top of his sweatpants before slipping beneath them, causing him to sharply inhale through his teeth as she palmed him through his boxers.

He grabbed her wrist before she could venture any further. "Ah, please," he ground out through gritted teeth. "I can't..."

She kissed him again, more insistently this time, her tongue swiping at his lips and teeth until he granted her entrance. He sighed into her mouth as he felt his sweatpants and boxers be tugged down his thighs.

"Please," he croaked out when she finally pulled her lips away from his. He wasn't sure at this point if he was begging for her to stop or continue, as his thoughts were becoming less and less coherent by the second. He squeezed his eyes shut.

"Just let me," he heard her whisper as he felt her sink down onto him.

The sudden, intense pleasure caused a foreign sound to tear from his throat as his hands scrambled to find purchase on her thighs. Already on the verge of overstimulation, he allowed his head to fall against her shoulder as she began to ride him. She was saying things to him, though he was hardly listening.

"You feel so good... ah..."

"So good for me..."

And on it went.

He inadvertently bucked up his hips when he felt her nails dig into the skin of his back, eliciting from her a sharp moan that traveled straight to the rapidly-increasing tension in his belly. At this rate, he knew he wasn't going to last much longer.

"Please," he managed, squeezing her hips, trying to get her attention. "I need you... ah... to get off, please..."

He had no idea if she was ignoring him or if she simply didn't hear him, but either way, it was too late. A few movements of her hips later, he was done for. He bit down on his lip until he tasted blood, his fingernails leaving deep crescents in her skin.

It was only then, when she pulled off of him and the fog in his head began to clear, that what they had done started to sink in.

Too tired to think about it, he pulled his sweatpants back up, rolling over onto his side and falling asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Seungkwan rolled over in his bed, grabbing his phone from the nightstand and checking the time.

_9:34_

He groaned as he sat up, realizing he was shirtless. He chose not to think anymore on last night, instead getting up to pick his shirt off the floor and slipping it on. He could change later.

As he walked from his room, he could hear the shower running in the bathroom. Passing the living room on his way to the kitchen, he nearly jumped when he saw Vernon sitting on the couch, typing away on his phone. He looked up when he heard Seungkwan walk in.

"Good morning," he said, putting his phone down to take a sip of his coffee.

Seungkwan glared at him, still clutching his chest, feeling a fleeting regret at having given his best friend a key to his apartment. "Ya, what are you doing here?"

Vernon gave him a weird look. "Am I not allowed to come over anymore?"

"Of course you are, just... never mind. You want pancakes?"

"I was hoping you'd ask," Vernon said, a grin on his face.

Seungkwan shook his head, smiling. He walked to the kitchen and began grabbing items necessary to make pancakes.

Vernon trailed behind him, settling himself on a stool behind the counter. "So how was movie night?"

Seungkwan glanced over at his friend, hoping he wouldn't probe too deeply. "It was good," he said, mixing the batter. "I fell asleep before the second one ended, though."

"Wow," came Vernon's response, a playful smirk on his lips as he took another sip of his drink. "Leave it to you to ruin the fun."

Seungkwan snorted. "Ha. Right. I've only been recording every single day this past week. Cut me some slack, would you?"

Vernon laughed, but his expression began to change as he examined his friend more closely. "Hey, what's that?"

Seungkwan looked at him and raised his eyebrows. "Huh?"

"Right there," Vernon said, pointing to a place on his own neck. "It looks kinda like..."

 _Shit_. Seungkwan self-consciously raised a hand to cover the area Vernon had indicated. He didn't realize she had left a mark. "Ah, it's nothing."

"Really?" Vernon asked, interest clearly piqued, a shit-eating grin on his face. "Are you sure you guys didn’t do anything other than watch movies?"

Seungkwan felt his face heat up, shaking his head as he placed a full plate and silverware in front of his friend. Vernon wasn't stupid. Seungkwan should've known he'd notice something.

"Look, if you're going to interrogate me, do it later. I don't hear the shower running anymore."

Vernon gave him a look before grabbing the syrup and butter.

After a few minutes, the door to the bathroom opened and out walked Jia, hair wet and skin damp. She ventured toward the kitchen, hands clasped as she noticed the smell of pancakes.

Seungkwan avoided her eyes as he placed another plate in front of the seat next to Vernon, motioning for her to sit.

Vernon quickly glanced at her as she sat beside him before turning his attention back to his food.

Seungkwan stood at the counter in front of them and ate, trying to engage in as little small talk as possible. The awkwardness was suffocating.

When everyone was finished, he placed the plates and silverware in the sink. He'd wash them later.

"Thanks for the pancakes!" Jia said. "They were delicious as always."

"Of course," he said quietly, planting his hands on the countertop.

Vernon gave him another look that was ignored as Jia hopped off the stool and headed back down the hall. He moved from his spot at the counter back to the couch.

She emerged a couple of minutes later, wearing a fresh outfit and carrying her overnight bag. Seungkwan almost felt relieved that she would be leaving.

Walking over to him, she gave him a light squeeze on his arm. "Thanks so much for hanging out. It was fun. But Joshua promised he'd take me shopping today, so I have to go."

Seungkwan nodded and managed a smile. "It was good to see you. Hope you have fun spending your brother's money."

She gave him a big smile, giggling as she walked towards the door. "I will!"

He could only imagine what Vernon was thinking right now.

Jia turned around as she opened the door. "Bye guys! And Vernon, it was nice to see you again!"

Vernon turned around and gave her a nod as she closed the door behind her.

It was silent for a good thirty seconds after she left, Seungkwan rooted to his place behind the kitchen counter, Vernon scrolling through his phone on the couch.

Seungkwan finally worked up the nerve to walk over and sit next to his friend, who looked up at him and tossed his phone onto the coffee table in front of him.

"What was _that_?"

Seungkwan sighed. “I..."

"You never told me you guys had a... a _thing_." Vernon looked bewildered.

"Okay, we definitely _do_ _not_ have a thing. It was one time," Seungkwan said adamantly, holding up his first finger. " _One_ time."

Vernon nodded, seemingly unconvinced. "I see. I mean, I didn't really take you as a 'hit it and quit it' type of guy, but..." He shrugged.

Seungkwan glared at him. "Really? _That's_ what you're going to say?"

Vernon shrugged again, spreading his hands. "Either way, Joshua's going to kill you both."

"You mean _me_. He's going to kill _me_."

"Right."

Seungkwan sighed again. "But I'm _not_ going to die because he is _not_ going to find out." He made meaningful eye contact with Vernon and raised his eyebrows. "Right?"

Vernon nodded. "Yeah, but... what if _she_ tells him?"

Seungkwan thought for a moment before shaking his head. "I don't think she'd do that. She likes me. I don't think she'd want to hurt him in the process, either."

"I guess. Might as well start writing your will just in case, though. Wouldn't hurt."

Seungkwan slapped his hand down on the couch and gave Vernon a dirty look. "You're unbelievable."

He sighed for what felt like the hundredth time, running his hands over his face. "I didn't mean for this to happen, you know."

Vernon frowned. "Oh, were you guys drinking last night?"

"No..."

"...I see." Vernon pursed his lips. "Well, if you were both sober then, it's good that you were, you know, _safe_ , right? That's kinda what matters here."

Seungkwan squeezed his eyes shut, a feeling of dread in his stomach. His brain had been so fantastically muddled last night that he hadn't even thought to ask her about that.

"Ah, no," he said in a quiet voice. He couldn't bring himself to look at his friend. "She came on to me, Vernon. It happened so fast and I just... I... I guess I just let it happen."

Vernon's eyebrows drew together in visible confusion. "What do you mean you _let_ it happen? Did you not, you know, want it?"

Seungkwan groaned. "That's the thing. I don't know. She made me feel good, and I just... I didn't stop her."

Vernon slowly nodded, appearing to be in thought.

"Ah! I can't stand it. Please, just tell me what you're thinking. I can handle it."

Vernon shook his head, causing Seungkwan's heart to sink. "Honestly, I don't know what to think. I just know that you can't keep this from Joshua forever."

"Well, I can certainly try," Seungkwan said, standing up and stretching. "Ugh, I need a shower."

Vernon nodded. "Hey, you wanna do a Smash Bros. marathon when you get out? I've been itching to play."

Seungkwan managed a laugh. "Sure. If you want to get your ass handed to you."

A snort. "Right. We'll see about that."

Seungkwan gathered some clean clothes from his room before making his way to the bathroom. Shutting the door, he pulled off his shirt before looking in the mirror. Sure enough, an ugly red spot was frustratingly visible just under his jawline. _I'll have to cover that up._

Turning to the side, he noticed scratch marks on his back up by his shoulder. He groaned. _Great_.

Just then, his pocketed phone vibrated with a notification. Pulling it out, he saw it was a text from Jia.

_We should do that again sometime. ;)_

He took a deep breath, turning his screen off and placing it on the sink counter. He didn't think it wise to respond. Instead, he finished undressing and stepped into the hot shower. It felt good, so he tried to relax.

But as much as he tried to think of other things throughout the day, to enjoy the time spent with his best friend, there lay in his gut an unsettled feeling that he just couldn't shake.


	3. Chapter 3

The next week came and went, with Seungkwan continuing to work hard on new music he would be releasing soon. About a year ago, he had been signed to a small but promising record label and often worked closely with another friend of his, Jihoon, who wrote and produced some of his songs.

He loved it, he really did. But long hours in the studio recently meant little sleep and next to no leisure time, so he was more than happy that it was Saturday again.

He hadn't heard much from Jia this week, to his relief. She had texted him a couple of times asking him his opinion on some outfits, to which he had kindly yet unenthusiastically responded.

He had slept in this morning, showered, eaten, and then fallen asleep again after watching a few episodes of a new show.

Waking up once again, he reached over to check his phone for messages since he hadn't looked at it much all day. Scrolling past notifications he didn't care about, he saw he had a couple of texts from Vernon from about three hours ago.

_a bunch of us are going out for dinner tonight! i know it's last minute but you should totally come_

The next message gave the name of the restaurant and the time they were meeting, 6:00.

Seungkwan sighed. It was already 5:42. _Why did I sleep so long?_

He quickly sent a message back to Vernon saying he'd be late and not to wait up for him.

He pulled on a pair of jeans, a red sweater, and some sneakers before making a dash to the bathroom to fix his hair. After pushing a few strands around, he decided he was satisfied enough with the result.

Pocketing his phone and grabbing his keys and wallet, he hurried out the door.

He had been to the restaurant where they were meeting once before, so he knew it was about ten minutes away. But, of course, there was traffic, so it was 6:15 before he arrived.

He hurried into the restaurant, and was waved over to a big table by Vernon and Joshua. There were two empty chairs between them, so he decided to sit beside Vernon.

"Nice of you to finally show up," came the teasing voice of Soonyoung.

Seungkwan bowed his head in mocking deference and clasped his hands together. "I'm very sorry. I fell asleep watching Netflix. It won't happen again."

"I'm not so sure about that," Seungcheol chimed in, causing laughter to ripple around the table.

Seungkwan shook his head with a smile, picking up the menu to begin deciding what he wanted. He looked over when Vernon tapped his arm, motioning for him to lean in so he could tell him something. Vernon lowered his voice so he couldn't be heard by the others around them.

"Jia's here." Seungkwan's heart sank. "She's in the bathroom now but she's sitting next to you. Just a heads up."

_Of course._ Seungkwan nodded wordlessly as he sat upright and peered at the menu again, though with considerably more unease than just a moment ago. He should've mentally prepared himself to see her, but he had been in a hurry and simply hadn't considered the possibility since he had assumed it would just be Vernon and the other guys.

Less than a minute later, he heard quick footsteps coming up behind him. He could see in his peripheral as Jia sat between him and Joshua, but didn't bother to look up. That is, until he felt her hand on his forearm. He despised the fact that his heart rate sped up, and hated that he felt this way around his _friend_ now.

"Seungkwan! I'm so glad you could make it," Jia said cheerily, her lips parting in a seemingly genuine smile.

He nodded and forced a smile as her hand slipped off of his arm. "Yeah. Me too."

If she noticed his aloofness, she didn't mention it. For that, he was grateful, as he was having a hard enough time focusing on the menu. He internally breathed a sigh of relief when she turned to talk with Joshua.

Almost an hour passed with everyone enjoying each other's company, laughing and joking, while others, like Soonyoung and Jia, were also enjoying their drinks. _A little too much_ , Seungkwan thought. He heard Soonyoung laugh much too loudly at something Jihoon said, while Jia was giggling at every little thing.

Seungkwan relaxed, sipping on his sweet tea, having no interest in getting drunk tonight. Besides, he had to drive.

He leaned forward on his elbows, trying to listen to a conversation between Seungcheol and Jeonghan across the table. He frowned, not able to hear very well over everyone else.

His breath caught in his throat when he suddenly felt a hand on his left thigh, squeezing it under the table. He willed himself not to look at Jia beside him, not wanting to draw attention to either of them. When it seemed no one was looking, he discreetly moved her hand away.

Seungkwan continued engaging in small conversation over the next fifteen minutes, doing his best to ignore the cause of his discomfort, who had to be on her third glass of wine by now.

But as soon as he began to feel somewhat at ease, he felt her hand again, higher up this time, closer to his crotch. He briefly closed his eyes and quietly sucked in a deep breath. He could feel eyes on him now.

"Ya, Seungkwan, you good? You're looking a bit pale," said Jeonghan.

Seungkwan knew Jeonghan was just trying to help, but for once, Seungkwan wished he'd mind his own business.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he managed, pushing the intruding hand away. "Feeling a headache coming on, is all."

Jeonghan nodded, seemingly satisfied with Seungkwan's response, and returned to his previous conversation.

Seungkwan sighed, wishing he had ordered a drink but at the same time knowing he didn't need one.

Feeling a hand on his under the table, he found himself regretting this whole outing. She tightly gripped his hand as she moved it to sit on the soft flesh of her thigh and up under her skirt, much too high. Seungkwan swallowed dryly. With the hold she had on him, he would have to almost yank his arm away, and, again, he wasn't willing to risk drawing anyone's attention over to them. 

He had no choice but to will himself not to get a hard on in the restaurant in front of all his friends. _This girl has lost her goddamn mind._

He waited a minute for her to loosen her grip. When she finally did, he pulled his hand away a little too roughly, standing up abruptly and heading for the bathroom.

Pushing open the door and finding it empty, he strode to the counter and gripped the front of it, his knuckles turning as white as the face that stared back at him in the mirror. _I hate this._ He forced himself to take deep breaths for a couple of minutes to decrease his heart rate.

Just when he was beginning to relax, he nearly jumped when the door opened, only to see it was Vernon. He stared back down at the sink.

"Hey," Vernon said softly, approaching him. "Are you sure you're alright? You don't look so good."

Seungkwan resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Just have a headache."

"You don't have to lie to me, you know."

Seungkwan sighed heavily, looking up to see Vernon's concerned expression in the mirror. 

"I saw her grab you," his friend said matter-of-factly.

His eyes widened. "You did? Did anyone else notice?"

Vernon shook his head. "I don't think so."

Seungkwan closed his eyes, feeling emotionally exhausted. "I don't know what to do. I can't go back out there knowing she's going to feel me up in front of everyone. It's humiliating."

A pause. "Just leave and say you're not feeling well. They'll understand."

Another deep sigh. "I guess you're right." Seungkwan cleared his throat. "When you get back to the table, can you ask for my check? I'll be out in a minute."

"I'll ask for mine too. I'll take you home."

Seungkwan nodded. He didn't have the energy to ask questions about how Vernon got here in the first place. "Okay." He took another deep breath as Vernon turned and left.

It took a few more minutes for him to work up the nerve to walk back out to the table. As he approached, Vernon stood.

"Hey," he said. "Cheol took care of your tab. You ready?"

"Yeah," Seungkwan replied, throwing a quick smile and a thank you in Seungcheol's direction.

"Hey man, hope you feel better," Seungcheol said sincerely. "I'm glad you could join us tonight."

"Me too," Seungkwan answered. A little louder, he said, "Bye everyone!"

A chorus of "byes" rang in his ears as he and Vernon made their way toward the exit.

As they neared the car, Vernon turned to him, holding out his hand. "Keys?" he asked, prompting a strange look from Seungkwan.

"Why do you need my keys?"

Vernon sighed. "I think it's better if I drive. You seem... uh... distracted."

"I thought you had a couple drinks tonight?"

"Seungkwan, I literally had coke."

"Oh."

"See? You _are_ distracted."

"Piss off."

"Just give me the keys."

Seungkwan reluctantly fished his keys from his pocket, slapping them in Vernon's waiting hand.


	4. Chapter 4

Seungkwan settled into the passenger seat of his car, pulling his seatbelt on as Vernon slid behind the wheel. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, willing himself to relax.

They hadn't gotten very far down the road when Vernon spoke up. “So what's _really_ going on between you two?"

Seungkwan opened his eyes only to narrow them at his friend. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I mean, she's groping you in public, for god's sake. Are you sure she isn't, you know, _wanting_ something from you?"

Seungkwan sat up. He hadn't really considered that. He'd thought that perhaps she'd take a hint when he acted disinterested, but maybe that wasn't working. He sighed. "I certainly hope not."

"But dude, think about it," Vernon replied. "Why else would she..."

"She gets touchy sometimes when she drinks. I mean, she's already touchy anyway..."

"Yeah, but has she ever done _that_ before?"

Seungkwan threw his head back against the seat and groaned. "No..."

Vernon nodded, his expression solemn. "I think you have a problem."

Seungkwan felt ice-cold dread course through his veins. He ran shaking hands through his hair. "Oh no, please don't say that. I don't want any of this. I don't want her touching me, I don't want her thinking we have something... hell, I didn't really even want _her_ to start with. I just want her to leave me alone so I can pretend it never happened."

Vernon sighed, keeping silent for several minutes. He stayed that way up until they entered Seungkwan's apartment. They sat on the couch, Vernon tossing the keys on the coffee table and Seungkwan throwing his phone and wallet next to them.

"Seungkwan..."

The tone of Vernon’s voice caused Seungkwan to feel uneasy. "Yeah?" He looked over at his friend, who appeared to be carefully choosing his next words.

"What did you mean when you said you didn't want her?"

Seungkwan frowned. He hadn't really meant it like that. Or had he? He wasn't sure at all anymore. "I... I just meant I would've preferred to stay friends rather than... whatever _this_ is."

Vernon appeared unconvinced. "It didn't sound like that's what you meant, though."

Seungkwan threw his hands up, becoming exasperated. "Dude, what do you want me to say?" he replied, the pitch of his voice increasing with each word.

"I don't _want_ you to say anything! I'm just trying to figure this out," Vernon said, concern lacing his voice. "I'm worried about you."

Seungkwan chewed his bottom lip. "There's nothing to figure out. We had sex. The end."

Vernon sighed. "Then why does it look like you're about to cry?"

Seungkwan bit back an abrasive comment, not wishing to drive away the only person he could talk to about this. He put his head in his hands, feeling Vernon's eyes on him. "Please don't look at me like that. The last thing I need is you feeling sorry for me."

"I'm not. I just... don't understand."

"Understand what?"

"Like... what happened. What did she do? Did she say anything? I just want to help you. I hate seeing you like this."

Something inside Seungkwan broke at his best friend's words. He took a shaky breath, placing his palms on his knees and staring down at the floor. He felt like he was going to cry, and he hated himself all the more for it.

"You want to know what she did?" he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "She kissed me. She touched me. She... she got on top of me. You know what _I_ did? Nothing."

"Seungkwan..." Vernon was closer to him now, a hand on his shoulder.

"I let her. I let her do it. All because I was too afraid to push her away and upset her." Seungkwan shoved the heels of his hands into his eyes. He felt like an idiot for crying over this.

Vernon sighed heavily. "Please don't be so hard on yourself, Seungkwan.”

Seungkwan sniffled. "I'm scared, Vernon. I have no idea if everything's going to be okay or not and it terrifies me." He paused. "I'm expecting the worst almost every day and it's driving me crazy."

"You mean Joshua finding out?"

Seungkwan glanced over at Vernon. "I wish that was the worst of it." He started massaging his temples. "She and I would talk about, you know, girl stuff a lot. And I don't remember her ever saying anything about being on the pill or whatever. Not that I ever asked."

"So you're saying..."

A sigh. "Uh huh."

Vernon shook his head, hand in his hair. "Wow. Okay, um..."

Seungkwan scoffed. "Is that supposed to help me?"

"Sorry, it's just... what I'm gathering here is that you guys were very unsafe and she's probably not on anything."

A groan. "I told you before, it happened way too fast."

"Jesus Christ, dude..."

"You don't have to tell me I'm screwed. I already know it." Seungkwan leaned back to rest his head on the couch.

"Okay, look," Vernon said, trying to be helpful. "You don't know that for sure, though."

"Well, yeah, but..."

"And listen to me. I hate to even say this, but, if worse comes to worse, I'll be right here. We'll get through it."

Seungkwan looked over at his friend, who was looking at him earnestly, waiting for him to respond. He already felt he could trust Vernon with anything, but hearing it affirmed in this situation, he knew he had done the right thing in being honest with him.

"That means more to me than you know." Seungkwan wrapped his arms around Vernon in a hug. "Even though I'm still scared out of my mind."

"I don't blame you one bit."

Just as Seungkwan pulled away, he heard his phone buzz on the table in front of them. Looking over at the screen, he swore under his breath when he saw who had messaged him. _I swear to God_.

Vernon cleared his throat. "It's her?"

Seungkwan nodded, picking up his phone and typing in his passcode. He tapped on his messaging app as Vernon watched the screen with great interest.

 **J** : _You looked good tonight, honey :)_

"Oh, cringe. She really brought out the _honey_ ," Vernon said, scrunching up his face.

Seungkwan slapped a hand down on his knee, glaring at his friend. "Do you _mind_?" He sighed, typing up a response.

 **S** : _I didn't appreciate that little stunt you pulled._

He moved to sit his phone down, but saw that Jia began typing almost immediately.

 **J** : _Oh don't be shy. I could tell that you liked it._

Seungkwan shook his head, her shamelessness unnerving him.

 **S** : _Are you serious? I just wanted you to leave me alone_.

 **J** : _I'm sorry I upset you, babe. I'll make it up to you ;)_

Seungkwan sighed heavily, sharing a glance with Vernon. "Looks like you were right." 

"Good grief. She really isn't taking no for an answer, is she?"

"No, and that scares me," Seungkwan replied, his voice betraying his nervousness.

 **S** : _I don't want you to make it up to me and I don't want you acting like we're a thing when we're not. Just let it go. Besides, I don't think your brother would approve._

 **J** : _Joshua's a prude._

 **J** : _Just come over tonight. My roommate's out of town this weekend_

Seungkwan grit his teeth until his mouth hurt. He wanted to scream. 

**S** : _This conversation is over._

 **J** : _Hey, don't be like that :(_

He threw his phone back on the table, beyond exasperated. "What the hell is happening?" he groaned. "Last week, we were the best of friends, and now _this_. What's gotten into her? She's never been like this..."

Vernon put a hand on his shoulder. "I wish I knew. Maybe she's just sexually frustrated or something."

Seungkwan gave him a look. "Uh, I think it's past that at this point."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

His phone vibrated again, this time with a call. He took one look at it and nearly threw the godforsaken thing across the room. Instead, against his better judgment, he swiped his thumb across the screen to answer it.

"What do you want, Jia?" he said harshly, his voice bolder than he felt.

 _"Why are you acting like this?"_ He could hear the pout in her words, along with slight slurring. She was sometimes strangely coherent when she was drunk, but tonight it was unnerving.

"Why am I acting like this? Because you're being ridiculous! I'm trying to tell you that I don't want whatever it is that _you_ want and you're not listening!"

_"Oh, come on. It's not like I'm trying to be your girlfriend or anything."_

Seungkwan rolled his eyes. "I don't care what you're trying to do. I just... I don't want any of it, okay? Please just... understand that."

She was silent for a moment, making him even more anxious. He felt the tension between them heighten as dread seeped into his veins. _What's happened to my friend?_

_"Maybe stop acting like a prude when last week you were practically begging for m..."_

"That's not what happened and you know it..."

_"Really? You think anyone would believe that?"_

His hands were shaking again. "Wh...what?"

She paused. _"I think you know what I mean."_

"I... I don't want to talk to you anymore," he stammered, ending the call and dropping his phone on the floor before she could say anything else.

It was silent for a few moments, with Seungkwan trying his best not to panic and Vernon wearing a look of utter disbelief on his face at what he had just overheard.

"Dude, that was..."

Seungkwan abruptly turned to face him, eyes pleading. He grabbed onto Vernon's arm with a trembling hand. "Vernon, listen to me. No one can know what I've told you. And I mean _no one_. If what I've said gets back to her, my life is over. In every sense of the word. Please..."

Vernon nodded earnestly. "You have my word."

Seungkwan sniffled, releasing his grip on his friend.

"Why don't you at least try to get some sleep? I'll stay over tonight, okay?" 

"Alright," Seungkwan mumbled, standing up to shuffle to his room. He had never felt lower in his life than he did at this moment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: self-harm and blood (near end of chapter)

Several weeks had passed without Seungkwan hearing a word from Jia, much to his relief, and he had surprisingly been able to avoid her save for a couple awkward occasions. Though her complete silence worried him to a small extent, he finally felt able to breathe again.

Joshua had approached him once, voicing his concern over Seungkwan and his sister no longer speaking. Seungkwan had kept it vague, responding that they had had a falling out and simply weren't seeing eye to eye anymore. Joshua had given him a concerned look and a nod, but hadn't pressed the issue after that.

This afternoon, Seungkwan had invited Vernon and Jihoon over to his place for some video games. It had taken some convincing to get Jihoon out of his studio, but Seungkwan was glad he had finally given in. He needed some guy time.

Vernon had just arrived with the takeout and a package, a new controller that he told them he wanted to break in. He handed the bag of food to Seungkwan, who set it down on the coffee table in front of Jihoon.

Vernon went to work trying to open his box while Seungkwan got three cokes out of the fridge, bringing them over to the living room and setting them down. Jihoon, mouth already full of rice, gave him a thumbs up.

"Shit," said Vernon quite suddenly, causing Seungkwan and Jihoon to glance over at him. He appeared to be struggling to open his box. "So much for ordering off eBay. I can't get this thing open."

Seungkwan shook his head, holding out his hand. "Give it here," he said. "I'll get a knife."

Vernon reluctantly handed over his precious package to Seungkwan, who brought it over to the kitchen and set it on the counter while grabbing a paring knife from the drawer. Examining the box, he saw it had three layers of packing tape holding the top closed. _What in the world? No wonder he couldn’t open it._

He stuck the knife in at one end of the box and used his left hand to hold it still at the other side. As he pulled the knife down, he failed to move his thumb out of the way and managed to slice the top of it. "Ah!" He stuck it in his mouth to lick off the blood that had already begun seeping from the wound.

Vernon looked over at hearing Seungkwan's exclamation. "Did you cut yourself, big boy?"

Jihoon snickered.

"Hey, careful. Don't get any blood in the box," Vernon said, holding back a laugh.

Seungkwan playfully raised the knife still in his hand and pointed it in Vernon's direction. "Why don't you come take this godforsaken thing out of my sight before I throw it out the window?"

Vernon couldn't resist laughing at that.

The three enjoyed a good-natured Mario Kart tournament, with Seungkwan doing poorly on most of the races and blaming it on his bandaged thumb.

"Seungkwan, you doing alright, bro?" Vernon asked, poking fun at his friend's less-than-stellar performance on Bowser’s Castle. Jihoon, who came in first place, was trying hard not to laugh.

Seungkwan glared at Vernon out of the corner of his eye. "I would've won if I hadn't cut myself."

A snort. "Sure, buddy."

Seungkwan had just opened his mouth to return with a sarcastic comment when his phone started buzzing. Pulling it from his pocket, he felt a stab of dread pierce through him when he saw that it was Jia calling him. _This can't be good._

"Dude, you gonna answer it?" Jihoon asked.

Seungkwan didn't realize he had been staring at the screen, letting it continue to vibrate. He swallowed heavily. "Yeah, I guess I better."

He stood up to walk to his room as he swiped to take her call, heart racing. "Hello?" he nervously answered, closing the door behind himself.

It was quiet on her end for a moment before she spoke. _"Seungkwan, are you there?"_

"Yes, I'm here."

A sigh. _"Listen, um... I'm pregnant."_

It hit him like a punch to the gut. Slowly sitting down on the edge of his bed, he placed his elbows on his knees, his free hand grabbing a fistful of his hair. "And it's... it's mine."

_"...I wouldn't be calling you if it wasn't."_

He suddenly felt nauseous. _No, no, no, no... this can't be happening..._

_"You still there?"_

"Y-yeah, I..."

_"Look, I'll figure something out."_

"O-okay." His brain was too muddled to worry about what she meant.

A pause. _"Goodbye, Seungkwan."_ And then a beep as the call ended.

Feeling dizzy, he dropped his phone somewhere on his way to swing open the door. He came face to face with Vernon, who wore a look of extreme concern. "Seungkwan..."

Seungkwan brushed past him, heading straight for the bathroom, throwing up as soon as his knees hit the floor in front of the toilet. When he finished, he moved to sit against the wall and closed his eyes.

He had been halfway expecting this for weeks, and now that his fear had been realized, he had absolutely no idea what to do.

He heard someone walk into the bathroom and kneel down next to him. "Seungkwan, hey..." came Vernon's voice. "Can you talk to me?"

When after a moment Seungkwan still wouldn't say anything, Vernon gently tapped his cheek, prompting him to open his eyes. "Hey, look at me."

Seungkwan did as he asked, feeling more pathetic than he ever had in his life.

"Seungkwan," Vernon said softly. "Did she tell you what I think she told you?"

Seungkwan's eyes darted over to Jihoon standing in the doorway and then back to Vernon. He nodded.

Vernon sighed. "Listen, I know how upset you are, but we'll get through this, okay? It's not the end of the world. Let's just..."

"It might as well be," Seungkwan said bitterly.

He watched as Jihoon stepped from his place in the doorway to sit on his knees next to Vernon. He looked terribly confused, and Seungkwan decided he couldn't blame him.

"Seungkwan, what's going on?" Jihoon asked, looking between the two of them, concern evident in his voice. "Could someone fill me in? Please?"

Vernon exchanged a look with Seungkwan, raising his eyebrows in an unspoken question, to which Seungkwan nodded. "I guess it doesn't matter if he knows. My life is over, anyway."

Vernon sighed again, looking at the floor. "He knocked a girl up."

Seungkwan flinched at Vernon's bluntness.

"Oh, wow. Um..." Jihoon said, raising his eyebrows, clearly not having expected that answer. "Does that really mean your life is over though? I mean..."

Vernon and Seungkwan shared another look as Seungkwan sat up. He hardly heard himself when he spoke. "It's... it's Jia."

He looked up and watched as realization dawned on Jihoon's face. "Holy shit..."

Seungkwan put his head in his hands, trying his hardest not to cry. "I just... I can't deal with this. I'm not... I'm not ready..."

It was silent for several seconds before he heard Jihoon speak. "Look, I know this can't be easy, but I think you and I both know what the right thing is to do."

Seungkwan scoffed. "That's easy for you to say."

"You're right, it is," Jihoon replied, undeterred. "And I'm not pretending I know what it's like. But there's a certain level of responsibility involved here that you should own up to."

Seungkwan wanted to scream, to tell him he didn't know the half of it. But at the same time, he knew Jihoon was right. _What kind of man would I be if I didn't take any responsibility?_ As much as he had grown to dislike Jia, deep down he knew he couldn't just let her go through this alone.

"Seungkwan," Vernon said, "what are you thinking?"

Seungkwan took a deep breath. "I'm thinking I need some time to process this. I'm gonna go lay down."

Jihoon and Vernon nodded solemnly as Vernon helped Seungkwan up.

"Let us know if you need anything, okay?" Vernon said as they neared the bedroom.

Seungkwan nodded, shutting the door behind him and falling onto his bed. He could just barely hear Vernon talking to Jihoon in the living room, and what he was telling him, Seungkwan could only guess. _Not that it really matters now._

He ran his hands through his hair, thinking. He had always loved kids, had always wanted a family of his own someday. _But like this? With her?_ He finally allowed the tears to fall. _Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't I have just pushed her away, asked her to leave?_ But that was beside the point now.

When Seungkwan woke up later, it was dark outside. He habitually reached over for his phone on the nightstand only to discover it wasn't there. Sitting up and turning on the lamp, he realized he had dropped it on the floor earlier, and soon spotted it near the foot of his bed.

As he picked it up, he immediately saw he had two missed calls from Jia and a text: _Call me back._

Heart pounding in his ears, he tapped on the call button next to her name before he could talk himself out of it. It took a few rings for her to pick up.

_"Seungkwan?"_

"Yeah?"

_"I'm getting rid of it."_

He nearly choked. "Wh...what?"

_"I made an appointment for tomorrow."_ She paused. _"That's what you wanted, isn't it?"_

"I... I didn't say that..." He was torn between feeling horrified and relieved.

She huffed. _"Well, guess what? It doesn't matter what you want. I'm going through with it and I don't want you trying to talk me out of it, okay? Goodbye."_

"Wait..." he said, just as she ended the call.

He slowly put the phone down beside him on the bed as he stared at the floor. 

_It's her choice. It's her choice. It's her choice._

He tried to be logical. He told himself that it was for the best, that neither of them were ready to take on that responsibility. Besides, the two of them all but despised each other. _So why this feeling of loss?_

He squeezed his eyes shut.

_Feeling. I've felt way too much recently. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling._

_I hate this. I hate her. I hate myself. God, I hate myself._

_Why can't I let anything go? What’s wrong with me?_

_This is all too much._

He stood, pulling open his door and walking down the hall. As he passed the living room, he glanced at a sleeping Vernon on the couch before continuing on to the kitchen. Seeing the knife he had used earlier still lying on the counter, he grabbed it and hurried back to the bathroom, closing the door and turning on the light.

He gripped the sink with white knuckles as he stared himself down in the mirror, chest heaving.

Making up his mind, he gripped the knife with a shaking hand. Pulling up his sleeves, he turned his left arm palm up and placed the blade about an inch below his wrist. He pressed down lightly, drawing it across his arm, wincing at the sting. A tiny amount of blood welled up, the cut being quite shallow.

He did it again and again, each slice of the knife feeling a bit better than the last.

Until the adrenaline caught up with him and his hand slipped, causing him to cut too deep. He sharply inhaled through his teeth. “Ah!” _It hurts so much._ Dropping the knife, he wrapped his hand around his arm in an attempt to stanch the bleeding. It wasn't working. Blood was dripping through his fingers and falling in large droplets on the sink, quickly creating a sizable puddle.

He moved his hand and placed his arm under the faucet, turning on the warm water to try to rinse out the wound and the bloodied sink. It was a deep gash, and it didn't look as if it was going to stop bleeding anytime soon. His panic intensified.

Suddenly feeling lightheaded, he fell back against the wall and slid down onto the floor, holding his arm. _What have I done?_

He heard shuffling outside the door, but was too out of it to be worried about Vernon seeing him in this state.

Two knocks. "Seungkwan, you okay?" came Vernon's tired voice. "It sounded like you fell or something."

Seungkwan could hardly keep his eyes open now, let alone respond.

"Seungkwan?"

The doorknob turned and Vernon walked in. He took one look at Seungkwan and dropped to his knees beside him on the floor. "Oh my god, Seungkwan... what... what did you do?"

He grabbed the small towel from the rack beside the sink and pressed it against his friend's injured arm, clearly at a loss as to what he should do. "Holy shit..."

"I... I'm... s-sorry..." Seungkwan stuttered out, tears streaming down his face as he closed his eyes. His eyelids had become entirely too heavy.

"No, no, no, please..." Vernon frantically tapped Seungkwan's cheek in an effort to keep him awake. "St-stay with me, okay?" he pleaded. "I'm gonna get help..."

Seungkwan heard Vernon pull out his phone and place it on the floor, tapping on the screen.

The line rang once.

_"What is your emergency?"_

"Please. I need help. My friend, he's... he's hurt, he's bleeding a lot. I just need some help... please..."

Vernon gave their address before turning back to Seungkwan and tapping his face again. "Please st-stay with me, okay? Help is coming..."

Seungkwan heard his friend sniffle before he fell into unconsciousness.


	6. Chapter 6

The doctors told Seungkwan that he was lucky, that if his friend hadn't been there, he could have easily bled out. He was given several stitches and an IV, and received the go ahead to return home after several hours.

Vernon had been by his side nearly the entire time, and had been updated by Seungkwan on the situation with Jia when the nurses weren't around. He hadn't said much in response, just given his friend's hand a squeeze.

Following his release from the hospital, Seungkwan silently followed Vernon to his car. Vernon hadn't been permitted to ride in the ambulance with Seungkwan, so he had driven himself.

They quietly got in the car, Seungkwan making sure to be careful of his bandaged arm as he put on his seatbelt.

Vernon said nothing the entire drive back to the apartment, causing Seungkwan's guilt to heighten exponentially. He felt horribly selfish for subjecting his best friend to that, for allowing his self-hatred to nearly cost him his life. His face hurt from holding back tears.

As soon as they were back in the apartment, Vernon grabbed hold of Seungkwan's uninjured arm, prompting Seungkwan to meet his eyes.

His heart shattered when he saw the tortured look on Vernon's face.

"Please..." Vernon pleaded, his voice breaking. "Promise me. Promise me you will never worry me like that ever again."

Seungkwan was nearly sobbing already. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... I..."

"Seungkwan, I thought you were going to die right there in front of me!" Vernon, who was crying now, gently pulled his friend in for a hug. "I thought I was going to lose you..."

"You're... you're not going to lose me. I'm so sorry..."

Neither pulled away from the embrace for several minutes, tears soaking each other's shirts.

Vernon let go first, wiping his face and placing his hands on Seungkwan's shoulders. "Hey, I think I should stay here for a while, okay? Are you okay with that?"

Seungkwan nodded, sniffling.

"Look at me. Tell me you're going to be safe while I go to my place and pack some things. Can you do that?"

Seungkwan met his friend's eyes. "Yes."

Vernon stayed over for about a week and a half. None of their friends thought anything of it as Vernon was always at Seungkwan's place anyway. He had also made sure that their friends knew a kitchen accident was responsible for Seungkwan's injury when asked, though Seungkwan suspected Jihoon didn't believe that.

Seungkwan was immensely thankful for everything Vernon had done, but was finally able to assure him that he'd be fine on his own. "I promise I will call if I need something, okay?" he had told him.

Today, Seungkwan was taking it easy, lying on the couch and binging a new documentary series. He had just finished eating some leftovers for lunch when he heard a knock at his door.

Assuming it was Vernon who had forgotten his key, he walked over to let him in, but his smile instantly disappeared when he saw who it was. He moved to close the door in her face, but she was quicker, pushing her way in before he could fully react.

Beyond irritated, he slammed the door shut and turned around to face her. "What are you doing here?"

Jia sauntered over to him. "I've decided to give you a second chance," she said, lips curling into a smile that had Seungkwan feeling uneasy.

"I don't want a _second chance_. I want you to leave me alone."

She pouted. "You don't mean that."

Seungkwan rolled his eyes. "Like hell I don't. Are we done here?"

Ignoring him, she took hold of his bandaged arm. "I heard you had an accident. Are you okay? I was worried about you."

He yanked his arm away, wincing. It was still a bit tender. "I'm fine."

She nodded, walking forward and backing him against the wall. "I missed you," she said, placing a hand on his chest.

Seungkwan stared at the floor, not giving her the satisfaction of responding.

"Can you look at me?"

"No."

She sighed, a petulant sound that annoyed Seungkwan all the more. "Fine."

Seungkwan nearly breathed a sigh of relief when she stepped back a little, but the feeling was short-lived. He watched as she dropped to her knees, placing her hands on his stomach and looking up at him. "Let me..."

_"Just let me."_

Hatred and humiliation coursed through him. "What the hell are you doing?" he said angrily, grabbing her by the arm and yanking her to her feet.

"What does it look like..."

"Quit acting like a bitch in heat and get out!"

She slapped him. Hard. "You're going to regret this," she said ominously.

And with that, she left, leaving Seungkwan reeling.

As he rubbed his cheek where she had hit him, he realized it was likely no longer safe for him to stay here in his apartment. The tone of her voice had had a hint of finality to it, as if that had been the last straw. _She's going to send Joshua after me, isn't she?_

Panicking, he hurried over to grab his phone, calling Vernon and putting it on speaker. He knew Vernon was with his dad today, but this couldn't wait. As the line rang, he found one of his overnight bags and began shoving in a few articles of clothing.

_"Hey, man. What's up?"_

"I'm so sorry to bother you but I... I can't stay here..."

_"Hold on, what happened? Are you okay?"_

Seungkwan took a deep breath, picking the phone back up once he had finished packing. "I... I'm fine. It's just... Jia showed up. I turned her down, and she got angry and left. I'm afraid of what she might do."

He heard Vernon sigh. _"You can stay at mine, alright? Just let yourself in. I'll be home in a couple hours."_

"Thank you," Seungkwan said, ending the call.

He quickly grabbed a few more necessities before heading out the door.

Arriving at Vernon's apartment, he let himself in using his key and threw his things on the floor in the spare room. He flung himself on the bed, and, feeling emotionally exhausted, fell asleep within minutes.

He woke up a few hours later to Vernon gently shaking his shoulder. "Hey, are you hungry? I brought home pizza."

Seungkwan blinked and sat up, rubbing his face. "Yeah."

Vernon sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. "So, um... Joshua called me earlier. He was asking where you were since you weren't answering your door or your phone. I told him I didn't know, but I don't think he believed me."

Seungkwan groaned, standing up to look for his phone in his bag. Sure enough, he had several missed calls from Joshua. "He's going to kill me, isn't he? Like, he's actually gonna do it..."

Vernon shook his head, getting up to head to the kitchen. "The pizza's cold. You might wanna heat it up."

Seungkwan followed him, figuring he better eat before he lost his appetite altogether.

The two of them sat watching reruns of _Friends_ late into the night. It was just past 11:00 when they heard a knock at the door.

"Vernon, it's me," came Joshua's voice. "We need to talk."

Seungkwan's heart began to race, and he started to feel as if he might be sick. He shared a quick look with Vernon, who gave him a nod, before standing up and heading to the bathroom to wait it out. He quietly closed the door behind himself so as to not alert Joshua of his presence. He felt like a coward hiding like this, but he didn't know what else to do.

He heard Vernon open the front door and let Joshua in.

Vernon spoke first. "It's pretty late, Josh."

Joshua ignored him. "Are you sure you don't know where Seungkwan is?"

"No, I talked to him earlier but I haven't heard from him in a while. What's going on?"

A pause. "I think you know."

"I know what?"

"About him and my _goddamn_ sister!"

Seungkwan swallowed nervously. Joshua never cursed.

"What are you talking about?"

"Stop playing dumb, Vernon. You guys are best friends. There's no way you don't know."

"Look, Josh..."

"No! He does something like this and you're going to protect him? Screw you!"

Seungkwan sighed, listening to their raised voices. He couldn't let his best friend continue to take the brunt of Joshua's anger. _After all Vernon's done for me, I can't do this to him._

Taking a deep breath and sending up a silent prayer to whoever was listening, he stepped out of the bathroom and walked out to the living room. The arguing stopped as the two turned their heads to look at him. Vernon shook his head frantically, silently warning Seungkwan to go back, but it was too late.

Joshua, eyes filled with rage, marched toward him, grabbing the front of his shirt and pushing him against the nearest wall. Seungkwan, feeling a thud as his head hit hard, grimaced in pain.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Joshua's voice was menacingly quiet. "Hooking up with Jia? Are you out of your _mind_?!"

Seungkwan's head was throbbing. "I..."

"No. I'm not finished." Joshua, chest heaving, tightened his grip on Seungkwan's shirt. "She... she said you pressured her into it. Seungkwan, I swear to God..."

Seungkwan's eyes grew wide as he frantically shook his head. "N-no, no, that's not what happened..."

Joshua removed his hand from Seungkwan's shirt only to wrap it around his throat and shove him against the wall again. "And why the _hell_ should I believe you?"

Vernon rushed over. "Josh, take it easy..."

"Stay out of this," Joshua spat, eyes not leaving Seungkwan. "Now tell me, Seungkwan. Why should I believe _anything_ you say when you knock my sister up behind my back and then make her get rid of it?"

"P-please," Seungkwan managed, his hands struggling with the one around his neck. "I... I had n-no say in that..."

"But you did get her pregnant."

Seungkwan saw white spots dancing in his vision. There was no point in being dishonest now. "...yes."

Joshua withdrew his hand. Vernon reached to grab his arm upon seeing him pull it back, but wasn't in time to prevent him from viciously slamming his fist into Seungkwan's jaw. Seungkwan pressed a hand to the side of his face as he slumped to the floor, trying desperately to catch his breath.

Vernon reached down to put a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Fuck you," Joshua spat in Seungkwan's direction.

Vernon stood up straight and started to push Joshua back. "Josh, you need to go..." he said sternly.

"And fuck _you_." Joshua glared at Vernon before leaving, slamming the door behind himself.

Vernon stared at the door for a moment before lowering himself to his knees beside Seungkwan, whose breaths were still coming fast. "Do you need me to take you..."

"No. It's not broken." Seungkwan sighed, wincing as he rubbed his aching face. "I can still move it."

Vernon looked down at the floor. "Seungkwan, why would she say those things about you?"

Seungkwan glanced over at him. "After all that's happened, you're really asking me that?" He scoffed at the grim reality of the situation. "Joshua really does believe anything she says."

Vernon nodded in agreement, moving to stand. "Let me get you some ice or something."

Seungkwan shook his head. "It's going to hurt like hell tomorrow either way. I just want to sleep and forget about all this for a while." He pushed himself up off the floor.

"Alright."

Settling into the bed, he sniffled as he tried not to cry. Soon, everyone would know what had happened, and he tried his best not to think of the backlash he'd receive from whoever Joshua told.

_My life as I know it is officially over._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: non-con (not rape, near end of chapter)

Seungkwan slept in until after noon, waking up to a terrible headache and throbbing in his jaw. He groaned, slowly swinging himself out of bed to hunt for some painkillers. He remembered that Vernon usually kept them in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, so he checked there first.

He regretfully caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror. An ugly purple bruise had formed on the side of his face, and his neck was still a bit red where Joshua had grabbed him. He sighed, opening the cabinet and quickly locating the ibuprofen. He dropped two tablets into his hand and immediately swallowed them, wanting the effects to kick in as soon as possible.

Walking out into the living room, he saw Vernon on the couch eating more of the leftover pizza. He quietly sat next to him and picked up his phone that he had left on the coffee table the night before. He had a dizzying number of notifications and texts, and he briefly wondered how his phone hadn't died. Thankfully, none of them were from his sisters or parents, which meant it was possible they hadn't heard anything. Yet.

Most of the texts were from his friends all saying similar things, like Soonyoung's _Please tell me what Joshua said isn't true._

Seungkwan had half a mind to respond with _Which part?_ but thought better of it.

"Lots of messages?" Vernon asked redundantly.

Seungkwan nodded, not looking up. He kept scrolling, finally seeing a message from Jihoon.

**J** : _I heard about what went down. Call me when you feel up to it, I need to talk to you._

Seungkwan sighed as he tapped the call button next to his name, standing up to walk into the kitchen. Jihoon picked up after a couple of rings.

_"Hey."_

"Hi, Ji. You said you wanted to talk to me?"

Jihoon sighed. _"Look, I know this is probably the last thing you want to deal with, but the label isn't going to be happy when they hear about all this."_

Seungkwan rested his elbows on the counter, running a hand through his hair. He hadn't even been thinking about that. "Great."

_"I can do some damage control, try to make sure they don't drop you completely, but I can't make any promises."_

"I appreciate whatever you can do, Jihoon." He sighed heavily. "I'm lucky you're even willing to help me."

_"Seungkwan, listen to me. I don't believe what she's saying. Not for a second. I need you to know that."_

Seungkwan closed his eyes. "That means a lot, Ji."

_"Personally, I think she's a lying piece of shit. But Joshua, he hangs onto her every word, always has, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. Maybe it's a sibling thing. I wouldn't know. But he's letting her use him to turn everyone against you. It's ridiculous."_

"You're telling me."

Jihoon sighed again. _"Anyway, can I come by tomorrow to talk about the whole label thing? I guess I should figure out what to tell them when they ask."_

"Yeah, sure. I'm staying at Vernon's right now, though."

_"I gotcha. I can be there around 11. Does that work?"_

"That's fine. I'll be here."

_"Alright, see you then. Take care, Seungkwan."_

"Bye. Thanks again, Ji."

_"Of course."  
_

The next morning, Seungkwan woke up to the sound of the alarm that he'd set for 10:30. Reaching over to turn it off, he saw he had a message from Vernon, received at 9:53.

_i've gone to my sister's today. just wanted to give you and jihoon some space to talk_

Which meant he had already left.

Seungkwan sighed, not really wanting to be alone, but at the same time silently thanking his friend for trying to be considerate.

Picking up his phone, he swung himself out of bed and began the short trek to the living room. But as soon as he stepped into the hallway, he began to feel uneasy. _Did I hear footsteps?_

Before he could turn around, though, something cold and hard was pressed to the back of his head. He froze, breath catching in his throat.

"What the.."

"Drop your phone."

Seungkwan squeezed his eyes shut, but did as she asked, hearing a thud as it fell somewhere near his feet. _This is it, isn't it?_

She walked him into the living room before backing him against the wall. He didn't like this feeling of déjà vu one bit. Face to face now, she pushed her revolver into his chest. _Where in the world did she get that?!_

"You told Joshua I was lying," Jia said, venom lacing her voice. "Now why would you do that?"

Seungkwan was barely preventing himself from fully panicking. "B-because that's the truth."

"Is it now? Well, it's a shame no one else will be hearing that from you."

_She's literally going to kill me. She's going to shoot me and Vernon's going to find me. Oh god, I'm not ready to die._ He stayed silent despite his racing thoughts and intensifying fear.

"But that doesn't mean we can't have some fun first.” She smiled, a wicked gleam in her eye.

When she captured his mouth with hers in a sloppy kiss, he felt nauseous. He tasted her tongue in his mouth and nearly pulled away, but didn't when he was reminded of the cold metal on his chest as she pushed it against him harder.

She pulled back when a knock sounded at the door.

_No, no, no..._

"Seungkwan, it's me," came Jihoon's unsuspecting voice.

Jia looked up at Seungkwan and gestured for him to let Jihoon in as she moved to be hidden behind the door when it opened.

Seungkwan reluctantly pulled open the door, and Jihoon walked in.

"Hey, sorry. I know I'm a bit early but..." His voice trailed off as Jia approached him from behind and pressed the barrel of the gun to the back of his head. He slowly raised his arms in a show of surrender. "What..."

"Seungkwan, lock the deadbolt," she ordered.

He sighed, twisting the lock until it clicked, not wanting anyone to get hurt simply because he didn't comply.

"Both of you, on the floor. Against the wall."

Jihoon looked over at Seungkwan with wide eyes as they moved to follow her command. _"What's happening?"_ he mouthed.

Seungkwan shook his head. He had no answer.

"Well, Jihoon," she said, staring down at the both of them. "Isn't this a nice surprise."

He snorted. "I've had better."

She laughed humorlessly. "Ever the smartass, huh? I think you may come to regret that later."

Fear flashed through Jihoon's face at the thinly-veiled threat before he quickly masked it.

"Jia, this is between you and me," Seungkwan said quietly, voice trembling. "Let him go."

She shrugged, uncaring. "It's a little late for that. Besides, I want him to watch."

Seungkwan's heart nearly stopped. "Watch..?" He glanced over at Jihoon, who was staring at the floor, emotionless.

"Sure," she said nonchalantly. "He can even get off to it if he wants. What do you think, Jihoon?" She turned to look at him.

Jihoon raised his chin to look her in the eye. "You're a disgusting piece of shit, that's what I think."

She chuckled. "Is that so?"

"Jihoon..." Seungkwan warned. He knew his friend wasn't the type to back down without a fight, and he was worried about him unnecessarily provoking her.

Jihoon briefly looked over at him, but continued talking. "You're a pathetic excuse of a human being, you know that? He's done nothing to you."

"Huh." Unmoved by his words, she stepped closer, towering over him.

Jihoon continued to meet her stare, unwavering.

"You know, Jihoon," she said, lowering herself down so she could be eye level with him. "I've never taken much notice of you before, mostly because I have to look down to even see you..."

Seungkwan, unsure of what was happening, watched as Jihoon narrowed his eyes.

"...but now," she continued, reaching out her hand to lightly caress his face, causing him to flinch, "I really like what I see."

Jihoon smacked her hand away. "Get away from me."

"Oh, sweetheart," she said quietly, a dark and sultry undertone to her voice as she placed one knee on either side of Jihoon, who continued to meet her gaze defiantly.

Seungkwan felt sick at the direction this was taking. "That's enough," he said angrily, moving closer in an effort to grab Jia's arm. But she was quicker. She backhanded the revolver across his face, knocking him back and leaving a long cut on his cheek. He put a hand to his face, feeling blood trickle down and knowing for sure he'd have another bruise.

"Seungkwan, I swear to God," she spat, pressing the barrel of the weapon to Jihoon's forehead. "You move again and he dies."

Jihoon's eyes widened in fear as he looked over at Seungkwan, who knew she would almost certainly follow through on her threat to hurt his friend if given the chance.

_"I'm so sorry,"_ Seungkwan mouthed, on the verge of tears.

Jihoon just nodded as he turned away, jaw tensed.

Seungkwan had never felt more helpless in his life. He knew there was absolutely nothing he could do without jeopardizing Jihoon's safety.

He watched in disgust as Jia leaned down to roughly kiss Jihoon, who had his fist clenched at his side and didn't appear to be resisting. But after several seconds, his hands flew up to grab at her face, forcefully keeping her in place as he bit down hard on her bottom lip. She yelped and pulled back, blood dripping from her mouth.

Jihoon turned his head to the side to spit the blood from his mouth. "Disgusting bitch."

She slammed the side of the revolver against his temple, causing his head to fall back against the wall and leaving him stunned.

"You know, Seungkwan," she said passively, grabbing Jihoon's face and forcing him to look at her, "for all your faults, at least you don't fight back."

Seungkwan felt a pang of humiliation at her words.

"Alright, Jihoon," she said, harshly tapping his cheek. He was staring at nothing, and appeared to still be out of it. "Wake up. We're not finished."

He slowly moved his head from its place on the wall and met her eyes again. "Please... just leave me alone."

"Why would I do that when we haven't even gotten to the best part?"

Seungkwan's eyes grew wide, his internal panic increasing tenfold as he watched her unbuckle Jihoon's belt. Desperately trying to stop her, Jihoon ceased his efforts when she slapped him hard across the face.

"Jia, this is going too far! He has nothing to do with this..."

Not paying Seungkwan any mind whatsoever, she switched the gun to her left hand and moved to slide the other under Jihoon's jeans, but he quickly grabbed her arm before she could touch him.

"Please stop," Jihoon pleaded. "This needs to stop..."

"On the contrary, babe, it's just getting started," she smiled down at him. "But fine, if you don't want it _that_ way..."

Jihoon let out a breathy moan, eyes rolling back as Jia slowly began to grind her hips against his through their clothes. She threw her head back in pleasure as he tried in vain to push her away.

"No... please..." Jihoon choked out. He grit his teeth, knuckles turning white as he grasped at the floor beneath his hands.

Face heating with shame and embarrassment, Seungkwan finally looked away, unable to watch any longer. This was severely humiliating for the both of them, but much more so for Jihoon, who had no control over his body's reactions to her ministrations. Seungkwan placed his head in his hands, uselessly willing his brain to block out their sounds.

It continued on for what felt like ages, but was, in reality, only a few minutes. Seungkwan could hear Jihoon's sharp gasps beginning to sound more and more desperate as Jia continued to repeat filthy things to him. Chancing a look over at them, he watched as Jihoon, face splotchy and wet with tears, jerked forward once and then went still, his head falling to the side. Jia, still rocking against him, released a final high-pitched moan moments later. 

Seungkwan closed his eyes as tears fell, wishing he'd never been made to witness something so degrading and that Jihoon had never been forced to experience it. He couldn't begin to imagine how his friend felt. He was never supposed to be in the middle of this in the first place.

"Not so tough now, are you?" Jia said mockingly, still catching her breath.

Jihoon raised his head to meet her eyes, a look of utter hatred on his tear-stained face.

Then, in a move Seungkwan hadn't anticipated, he forcefully slapped her hand, causing her weapon to fall and slide across the floor, before wrapping both of his hands around her neck and using his body weight to force her onto the ground beneath him. 

Jihoon locked frightened eyes with Seungkwan before jerking his head in the direction of the gun.

"Seungkwan, _now_!"


	8. Chapter 8

Seungkwan momentarily froze, watching the two struggle before picking himself up off the floor and making a dash for the gun. The weight of the weapon felt unfamiliar in his hands as he'd never handled a firearm before. He held it to point at the floor, just to be safe.

He watched, heart in his throat, as Jihoon fought to keep Jia down. Though his hands were tight around her neck and his knees pressed to either side of her, she wasn't making it easy for him, twisting and turning and clawing at his face.

"So this is how you like it, huh?" Her voice was raspy, airway slightly constricted by Jihoon's fingers.

His jaw tensed, grip tightening before he pulled her head up and slammed it down hard on the floor, three times in quick succession. Chest heaving, he pulled his hands away as she finally stilled.

Seungkwan was slightly terrified of Jihoon's anger. "Ji..."

"We need to tie her up," Jihoon said quietly, still catching his breath.

"Y-yeah, you're right... um..." Seungkwan thought for a moment. "Vernon usually keeps his laptop in his room. The charging cable is probably close by. I can't think of anything else..."

Jihoon nodded, standing up and turning around to go search Vernon's room while Seungkwan hesitantly held the weapon in Jia's direction in case she started to wake up.

Jihoon returned a couple minutes later, cable in hand. He rolled her onto her stomach with his foot before kneeling down to tie her hands behind her back. It wasn't the best, but it would have to do for now.

He stood, wiping his face with the back of his hand as he sniffled.

Seungkwan took a step over to Jihoon, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. Jihoon flinched and shrugged his hand away.

"Ji... are you okay?" Seungkwan knew it was a silly question, all things considered, but he wanted to check on his friend, who appeared to be experiencing some type of internal struggle.

"I-I'm fine," Jihoon said, fidgeting, visibly uncomfortable. "Don't worry about me. I think I... um... I'll be in the bathroom." He stepped out of the living room into the hall, and Seungkwan heard the bathroom door close behind him.

Seungkwan walked over to where his phone lay on the ground, picking it up and quickly dialing the emergency number. He explained everything to the operator, hoping she could understand him with how fast his words were coming together.

_"I'm sending some units to your apartment. They should arrive within twenty minutes."_

Seungkwan thanked her and hung up, hoping twenty minutes would be fast enough.

He glanced over at the woman on the floor, who appeared to still be out cold. _Jihoon really did a number on her._

Remembering whose apartment he was in, he sent a text to Vernon, briefly explaining the situation and warning him not to immediately come home, just to be safe.

Placing his phone on the kitchen counter, Seungkwan sat a few feet away from Jia and set the gun down on the floor beside him. Jihoon reentered a moment later, belt back in place and clothes slightly less disheveled than before. He lowered himself down next to Seungkwan.

"You called the cops?"

Seungkwan nodded. "They should be here soon."

Jihoon, continuing to stare at the floor, didn't respond.

"I'm sorry, Jihoon. I'm so sorry. I..."

Jihoon put a hand up. "Seungkwan, please. None of this is, _was_ , your fault. There wasn't anything you could do."

Seungkwan sighed. "I know, but I... I feel terrible..."

"Look, I'll be fine, okay? I promise."

They sat in silence for several minutes before they finally heard the blaring of sirens approaching the building.

Seungkwan's relief, however, quickly evaporated when he heard Jia groaning on the floor not too far away. He and Jihoon looked at each other before he grabbed for the gun and nervously pointed it at her again.

Jihoon pushed Seungkwan's hand down and motioned for him to lower the gun. Seungkwan hesitated, but complied.

"There's not much she can do in this state," Jihoon said.

Seungkwan nodded in understanding.

Thankfully, Jia still hadn't moved by the time a knock sounded at the door.

"Police!”

Seungkwan calmly stood up and walked over to open the door, letting in two officers. "She's right there," he said to them, pointing in Jia's direction.

One of the officers kneeled down beside her, checking her vitals.

"There's an ambulance waiting outside," said the other officer. "Why don't you two go get your injuries checked out while we take care of her?"

Jihoon and Seungkwan both nodded, leaving the apartment and walking outside in silence. They were met by an EMT who escorted them to the back of the ambulance where two others were waiting to treat them.

Seungkwan winced as antiseptic was applied to the cut on his face, but was thankful that cuts and scratches were the worst of his and Jihoon's injuries. He could see from his seat inside the ambulance when Jia was escorted out of the building by the two officers, Jihoon's makeshift restraint replaced with handcuffs.

Once they stepped out of the ambulance, they were approached by the two original officers. They were separated and escorted to two different locations to be questioned about the morning's events, with Seungkwan being led over to the sidewalk and Jihoon beside one of the police cars.

"I'm Officer Kim," said the officer who had initially checked on Jia when they first arrived. "Could you tell me what happened?"

Seungkwan related to him everything that Jia had done, giving background information and context when pressed further, but hesitated when it came to what happened between her and Jihoon. "You'll have to see what he says about it," Seungkwan said honestly, Officer Kim nodding in understanding.

Questioning over, the two friends were silently sitting side by side on the edge of the sidewalk when they were informed that the crime scene unit had finished checking the scene for evidence and that they were free to return to the apartment.

Jihoon sighed. "Honestly, I don't really want to go back in there right now," he said quietly, rising to his feet. "I think I might just go home and sleep."

Seungkwan stood up next to him. "Are you sure? Do you want me to drive you?"

"I can deal with it, Seungkwan," Jihoon said tiredly, answering the question Seungkwan hadn't yet asked. "Please don't worry about me."

Seungkwan nodded sadly, sighing as he watched his friend make his way to his car. _I'm so sorry, Ji. Please be okay._

He began to walk back into the building, but was soon startled by someone yelling his name. Turning around, he saw Vernon jogging toward him, visibly out of breath as he came to a stop.

"Seungkwan..." he panted, nearly wheezing. "What..."

Seungkwan would've laughed, had circumstances been normal.

"Dude... are... are you okay? What... how did she get in?" Vernon was sure to have many questions, none that Seungkwan felt like answering while still standing out on the sidewalk.

"Let's go inside and talk, okay?" he said. Vernon nodded, placing a hand on Seungkwan's shoulder.

Walking into the apartment, Seungkwan noticed the crime scene unit had left it largely the same as they had found it, though, thankfully, the gun had been taken.

Letting the door close, Vernon turned to his friend. "So..?"

" _So_ , to answer your questions: yes, I'm okay, and no, I have no idea how she got in here. She was just, you know, _here_ when I woke up, shoving a gun to my head." Seungkwan's words came out much calmer than he felt.

"She had a _gun_?" Vernon grabbed at his hair, nearly frantic with worry.

Seungkwan sighed. "Yes. But I'm still here, okay? I didn't die."

"Yeah, but... oh my god. That's pretty heavy."

Vernon walked closer to the couch to sit, but soon stopped short when he noticed something. "Seungkwan..."

"Hm?"

"Um, why is there blood? I thought you said you were okay..." Vernon said, turning to look at his friend.

"Oh, yeah. We're okay. Her mouth isn't, though."

Vernon raised his eyebrows, gesturing for Seungkwan to continue.

"Jihoon bit her."

Vernon relaxed, shaking his head. "Of course he did."

But then, he appeared to realize. "Wait, why was her mouth..." Vernon looked at Seungkwan again, disbelief written on his face. "She tried to _kiss_ him?!"

Seungkwan pressed his lips together, shaking his head as he looked at the ground. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"What do you mean? Why can't you say that she kissed him?" Vernon appeared beyond confused.

Seungkwan sighed heavily. "Because... because that's not all it was."

"What does that _mean_ , Seungkwan?"

Seungkwan shook his head again, sitting down on the couch. "It _means_ that she really messed him up, Vernon. Please just... let it go, okay?"

Vernon's eyes widened as he sat down next to him. "You mean... holy shit, is he gonna be okay?"

"Honestly? I don't know. You know how he is, Vernon. He says he'll be fine, but... he didn't look like it."

"Oh my god..." Vernon said, running his hands over his face. "Please tell me you're pressing charges."

"Vernon, she needs help. Like, _help_ help."

Vernon opened his mouth to reply just as his phone started ringing.

It was Joshua.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: brief discussion of sexual assault

Vernon shared an irritated look with Seungkwan before swiping to answer the call and putting it on speaker.

"What do you want, Josh?" Vernon didn't bother hiding his annoyance.

_"I need you to tell me why Jia was arrested at your apartment."_

Vernon rolled his eyes. "Why don't you try asking _her_ that?"

_"I got a call from the cops telling me she'd been taken in for assault and battery. They gave the location, but that was it. They won't let me talk to her."_

"That's tough."

_"Vernon, I'm serious! I'm just trying to figure out what would make her do something like this. I mean, if something really did happen, that is."_

Seungkwan felt like he would lose his mind if he had to listen to Joshua talk nonsense for even five more seconds. He snatched the phone from Vernon's hand, turning it off speaker and putting it to his ear.

"You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you."

_"Seungkwan?"_

"She put a gun to my head, Josh. She smacked us around. We're lucky she didn't _kill_ us."

_"A gun? I don't believe this. Where would she get a..."_

"You think I'm _lying_?" Seungkwan was fuming. Joshua was an intelligent person; how could he possibly be _this_ dense? "Why don't you ask Jihoon if I'm lying?"

_"What? He was there?"_

"Or better yet, _don't_ ask him. Thanks to your _sister_ , he's probably traumatized now," Seungkwan said angrily. He closed his eyes and sighed, immediately wishing he hadn't brought that up.

A pause. _"What are you talking about?"_

Seungkwan stuck his tongue in his cheek, hoping Jihoon would forgive him for what he was about to say. The volume of his voice subdued, he began to speak again. "She got him off right in front of me, Josh."

Vernon's eyes grew wide, but he said nothing.

_" **What**?"_

"So, fine. Tell me I'm lying. I can handle it. But I don't think Jihoon would be quite as understanding."

_"Seungkwan, I'm sorry..."_

"Forget it."

Seungkwan ended the call and slammed the phone down on the coffee table, having forgotten that it wasn't his.

"Seungkwan, what the actual _fuck_..."

Seungkwan felt close to tears again. "There was nothing I could do, Vernon. She said she'd kill him if I tried."

"But..." Vernon made a frustrated noise. "That's, like, the _definition_ of sexual assault. You can't just _not_ press charges..."

Seungkwan was inclined to agree with him, but, then again, he hadn't been the one on the receiving end of it. "I can't do anything about something that didn't happen to me." He sighed. "I'd be surprised if he even told the cops about it."

"Jesus Christ. This is _so_..."

"I don't understand why _any_ of this had to happen, Vernon. Like, I just wonder if there's something I could've done to prevent it all." Seungkwan shook his head, sniffling. "I just don't know."

"You said yourself that she needs help, Seungkwan. And you know what? You're probably right. But either way, I'm not going to let you blame yourself." He pulled Seungkwan in for a hug. "Please, just try to focus on healing, okay?"

Seungkwan nodded, pulling away. He sighed. "I guess I'd better call my mom. It's been a while since I've talked to her and I'd rather she found out about all this from me and not someone else."

"I understand. Take your time." Vernon picked up his phone. "I'll order something for delivery."

Seungkwan suddenly realized how hungry he was. "Please do. I didn't exactly get a chance to eat this morning."

He stood, walking over to the kitchen counter where he'd left his phone. Picking it up, he headed to Vernon's spare bedroom and dialed his mom. It didn't take long for her to answer.

_"Hi, honey. How are you doing?"_

Sighing, he said, "I've been better, actually. Um... listen. There's some things I need to tell you."

He started from the beginning, leaving out certain embarrassing details but explaining enough for her to get the gist. He also didn't feel he should tell her anything about his arm injury, believing it would absolutely break her heart. Knowing that her son had been held at gunpoint was enough to worry about for one day, Seungkwan thought sadly.

Hearing his mom cry was nearly enough to break him. "Please don't cry, mom. I'm safe now. I'm okay."

She sniffled. _"But you almost weren't, Seungkwan! I could have lost you today and you're telling me not to cry!"_

Seungkwan closed his eyes as a tear slipped down his cheek. "I'm sorry. But I'm okay now. Vernon's here with me, too. I doubt he's going to let me out of his sight for a while," he said, hoping to help her feel at least a little bit better.

It was quiet for a moment. _"Are you really okay, Seungkwan? It sounds like you’ve been through quite a lot.”_

He sighed. "I will be, mom. I just need some time. I'll get there, alright?"

_"I know you will, I just can't help but worry. I'm so glad you're safe now."_

"I am, too."

_"You're my sweet boy, Seungkwan. What would I do without you?"_

He managed a small smile. "I love you, mom. I promise I'll call you again soon, okay?"

_"I'll hold you to that promise. And I love you, too. Please take of yourself."_

"I will. Talk to you soon."

About a week and a half passed. Seungkwan had continued to stay with Vernon as he hadn't yet worked up the nerve to live alone again.

Despite Joshua's numerous humble apologies, Seungkwan knew that their friendship was likely broken beyond repair. He had heard from him through Vernon that Jia had been given a psychiatric evaluation as requested by her lawyer, and the results showed that she had experienced some sort of personality change, with a new antidepressant possibly being to blame.

Seungkwan had known about her past struggle with depression, but had assumed it was under control. He wished he could have helped her somehow, but, deep down, he knew there wasn't much he could have done even if she had talked to him about it more. _This isn't your fault._

Seungkwan had texted Jihoon with the update, but unsurprisingly had heard nothing back. He had made sure to only message Jihoon a couple of times since that day in order to give him space, though his complete lack of response for ten days now caused Seungkwan a good deal of concern.

"I'm worried about him, Vernon," Seungkwan said, pursing his lips, pushing around the last piece of chicken in his takeout box.

Vernon gestured to the last bit of Seungkwan's food, raising his eyebrows in an unspoken question to which Seungkwan shook his head.

"You can have it."

Vernon happily popped it into his mouth.

Seungkwan continued talking. "I mean, no one's heard from him. I even called the studio, and he hasn't shown up there. I just _know_ he's not okay."

Vernon nodded sympathetically. "Well, if he's not answering his phone, maybe you could show up at his place to, you know, check on him or something."

"I don't know if he'd like that very much."

"He probably won't, but at least then you'd know he's alive."

Seungkwan grimaced. "Don't say it like that."

Vernon made an apologetic face.

"But I guess you're right. At the very least, he could just tell me to go away."

"Which is probably what will happen."

Seungkwan sighed heavily, picking up his empty box and standing to throw it away. "Well, I might as well head over there now."

Seungkwan made his way to Jihoon's apartment, located in a small building on a busy street. He walked up two flights of stairs and stopped in front of the first door on his right.

He stood there for several seconds, working up the nerve to knock. When he finally did give the door a couple taps, he was unsurprised to receive no answer. He knocked again, louder this time.

"Jihoon, it's me. I just wanted to check on you. If you want me to leave, I will."

It was silent. Seungkwan hung his head, but decided to wait a little longer just in case. Thirty seconds passed, and still nothing.

He was about to turn and leave when the door was opened by a few inches. Jihoon stared back at Seungkwan, saying nothing.

Seungkwan's expression softened when he saw the brokenness on Jihoon's face. "Hi, Ji. I can leave if you..."

"Just come in. You're already here." The door was further pulled open, and Seungkwan hesitantly walked in.

Jihoon's apartment was a small studio, kitchen to one side and bed and studio equipment on the other. A couch sat along the wall in the middle. He was normally a bit of a neat freak, but, in these circumstances, Seungkwan was surprised to see that everything was still in its place and organized. It didn't look like Jihoon had been doing much of _anything_.

"I'd offer you something, but I don't really have anything." Jihoon sounded tired.

"That's okay."

There was an awkward silence as Jihoon didn't reply, instead walking past Seungkwan to sit on the couch.

Seungkwan followed him, sitting a few feet away to give him space. He glanced over at Jihoon, who was blankly staring at his hands fidgeting in his lap, and took a deep breath.

"How are you doing?" he asked softly.

Jihoon's hands stilled. Seungkwan halfway expected him to respond with an abrasive comment, something along the lines of _How does it look like I'm doing? Can't you see I'm not okay?_

He watched as a silent tear fell down Jihoon's cheek and onto his lap.

Seungkwan scooted slightly closer to him, but remained far enough away so as not to cause him to feel uncomfortable. "You can talk to me, Ji."

Jihoon closed his eyes, clenching and unclenching his fists, his mouth opening and closing several times before he finally spoke. "I've never hated myself so much."

Seungkwan looked down at his own hands. He knew the feeling. "Ji, there was nothing you could have done..."

"Yes, there was! I could've grabbed the gun, I could've hit her... _anything_. I'm stronger than her and I let her overpower me. God, I..." He rested his elbows on his knees, grabbing fistfuls of his hair.

Seungkwan felt a pang of guilt, even though he'd told himself over and over again that he was not responsible for anything that she'd done. He took a deep breath, knowing his next words would hurt. "And what if you had tried either of those things and she decided that she'd had enough? She could've shot you right there, no hesitation. She didn't leave you with any choice, Ji."

Jihoon was crying now, tears streaming down his face as his chest heaved to accommodate his erratic breathing. Seungkwan felt tears begin to roll down his own cheeks at the sight of his friend in such obvious emotional distress. He almost placed a comforting hand on Jihoon's shoulder, but stopped himself as he knew the gesture would likely be unwelcome.

A few minutes passed, and Jihoon had managed to calm himself down to a small extent. Seungkwan decided he would try to speak again.

"Jihoon, hey..."

Jihoon stood up abruptly, turning around to face Seungkwan, hands clenched at his sides. "You don't understand, Seungkwan."

Seungkwan looked up at him, eyes pleading. "Then help me understand."

Jihoon inhaled a shaky breath, closing his eyes as another tear escaped. His voice was almost a whisper. "I can't get the taste of her out of my mouth. I can't stop feeling her... _touching_ me. You know what I did as soon as I got home that day? I threw up. Until I passed out. I can't sleep much, I can hardly eat. I feel disgusting. I... I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."

He walked over to the wall next to the couch and slid to the floor, head in his hands.

Seungkwan had guessed at what Jihoon was dealing with, and, now that he knew the full extent of his friend's pain, he knew it was much more than he could help him with. He stood, only to kneel next to Jihoon on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Ji," he said quietly. "I know this is hard for you, and it's hard for me, too, in a different way. But it's a lot. We've been through a lot. I don't think either of us can fully deal with this on our own."

Jihoon looked up at him, unamused. "You're unhinged if you think I'm talking to a shrink."

Seungkwan resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his friend's stubbornness. "I'm not talking about a shrink. I'm talking about a therapist. You know, to talk things out. To help you understand your thoughts better."

"I understand my thoughts just fine."

" _Do_ you?"

Jihoon sighed.

"I've been thinking about seeing one myself," Seungkwan continued, trying to encourage him. "It can't hurt."

Jihoon rubbed his face. "I don't know."

"You said yourself that you can't keep doing this, Ji, and you're right. Life goes on when we're hurting, but that doesn't mean we can't have some help getting through it."

"When did you become a motivational speaker?"

"Jihoon..."

"I'll think about it, okay? Just... give me a couple days," Jihoon said tiredly, wiping his eyes.

Seungkwan raised his eyebrows, giving him a look that said _Are you sure?_

Jihoon sighed. "Seungkwan, I _promise_ I will consider it."

Seungkwan smiled. "Can I hug you?"

Jihoon made a face but couldn't help the hesitant smile that formed afterward. "Sure."

Wrapping their arms around each other, Seungkwan whispered, "It's gonna be okay, Ji. We're gonna be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m debating on whether or not I should end this here or if I should spend some time thinking of one more chapter. I appreciate anyone who’s read this far, and any thoughts are welcome. :)


	10. Chapter 10

It sucked.

It absolutely sucked being left to wonder if a single _no_ from him could've prevented all of this. It would have prevented her pregnancy, for sure, but could it have prevented her behavior from escalating? Could it have prevented her from turning his friends against him, from violently lashing out after repeated refusals and putting his friend in the middle of all of it? Would she have just let it go if he had put a stop to her initial advances that night?

Or would she have just done it to someone else?

If not him, would she have driven someone else nearly to the edge, threatened to kill them while shoving a gun to their head?

The fact that any of this had happened to him was enough to cause his mental state to take a nosedive, but all the unanswered questions and what if's constantly swirling around in his mind were increasing his anxiety to the point where he could hardly stand any of it.

No matter how many times his therapist, or anyone else for that matter, reassured him that he had had very little control over the outcomes, the persistent feelings of guilt were still causing him to lose sleep, especially when it came to Jihoon. Jihoon, who had had zero part in any of this, but whose mental health was suffering because of it anyway. All because Seungkwan couldn't have just said _no_.

And then she had ripped fatherhood away from him before he'd even had the chance to tell her he would take responsibility. He knew it had been her decision to make, but he hadn't been expecting it to hurt quite so much. He almost felt like he had failed in some way, though he wasn't really sure that there was anything he could have done differently in that scenario.

He sniffled, rolling over in bed and checking the time on his phone. It was nearly noon.

Sitting up, he suddenly noticed the silence in the apartment and realized Vernon must not be home. He _had_ said he would be running some errands today.

Seungkwan was still staying with his friend, and had been for some weeks now. He felt like a burden, not knowing when he'd be ready to return home, but Vernon had assured him that he didn't mind, that he enjoyed the company.

Seungkwan didn't really want to go out today, as he did some days when he managed to work up the nerve, but he disliked being alone in the apartment more. He sighed. _I guess it wouldn't hurt to just take a walk, maybe to that new coffee place down the street._

He stepped out of bed, keeping on the sweatpants he was wearing but changing into a different t-shirt. He slipped on his sneakers before pocketing his wallet and keys and grabbing his phone.

The warm air of early summer felt refreshing on his face and arms as he walked the almost-mile on his quest for coffee. Arriving at his destination, he noticed the place was still a bit busy. It _was_ just past lunchtime, after all.

He placed an order for an iced coffee, not bothering to get anything to eat. He wasn't hungry much these days.

As he exited the building, sipping on his drink, intending to continue his walk a little farther, he nearly stopped short when he thought someone called his name, but decided to keep walking. He was probably just hearing things.

But then, he heard it again. "Seungkwan!"

He halted, closing his eyes. _Soonyoung's voice._

Seungkwan had no desire to talk to him, or to many of his friends, for that matter. He hadn't bothered responding to his or anyone else's messages for weeks. He hadn't felt the need to explain to them that _yes, I'm okay, thanks for asking_ after word had gotten out about Jia's arrest and the reason for it when they had all but thrown him under the bus not so long ago.

Soonyoung quickly caught up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and causing him to flinch. "Hey," he said, slightly breathless. "It's been a while. How are you doing, you know, with everything?"

Seungkwan continued walking, not looking at him. "Why do you care?"

A beat of silence. "Because you're my friend..."

" _Am_ I?"

Soonyoung made a frustrated noise. "Seungkwan, I'm sorry..."

"I'm sure you are."

"Hey, what was I supposed to do? Tell Joshua his sister's _lying_?"

Seungkwan stopped and turned to face him, feeling furious. They were in front of a park now. "How about giving your _friend_ the benefit of the doubt and asking me first instead of sending some half-assed message about _oh, I hope you didn't do it_?"

Soonyoung rubbed his hands over his face. "Seungkwan, I'm sorry. I didn't know what to think. And then when you never responded to me or anyone else..."

Seungkwan narrowed his eyes. "What difference would it have made to you or anyone else at that point if I had told you my side, knowing Joshua was just going to tell you not to believe me? Huh?" He would've willingly given his side of things then if he had been approached differently, but that hadn't been the case. He had been accused right off the bat, no questions asked. It had devastated him.

He continued on when Soonyoung remained silent, staring at the ground, but kept his voice down as other people were in the area. "You've known me for _years_ , Soonyoung. I can't believe you'd think I'd _do_ something like that! You really think I'd... I'd _force_ her?"

Soonyoung's head turned up sharply. "I never said..."

"You didn't _have_ to say it."

Soonyoung sighed heavily. "Seungkwan, I don't know what else to say besides how sorry I am. I just... I had no idea what to believe. I was confused. It sounded really bad, what he was saying. I'm so sorry for not asking for your side, I really am."

Seungkwan just nodded, feeling tired again already. He started walking again, and Soonyoung continued to keep in stride with him. "Alright."

"Alright? What does that mean?"

"It means I don't hate you."

Soonyoung sighed again. "You don't hate me? What can I do to push my status from _doesn't hate_ to _favorite friend besides Vernon_?"

Seungkwan felt a ghost of a smile creep onto his face despite everything. "You'll have to fight Jihoon for that spot."

"Jihoon? How is he? Wasn't he there with you when she..."

"Yeah." Seungkwan sighed.

Jihoon had surprisingly agreed to some sessions with a therapist at Seungkwan's suggestion, but he was still very much struggling. No one else besides Vernon and Joshua knew what had actually happened to him, and Seungkwan wasn't about to tell anyone, either.

"He's... hanging in there. He's doing better than he was, and I guess I am, too. I thought I'd need his help convincing the label not to drop me, but I surprisingly managed to do that on my own." The two of them hadn't exactly had a chance to talk that day about what Jihoon would say to the label head about the whole situation, but Seungkwan had been able to explain everything to them without his friend's help, and it had, thankfully, gone well.

"Good grief, Seungkwan. Just... why would she say any of that? Why would she _do_ any of that?"

Seungkwan glanced over at Soonyoung. "Honestly? She was pissed I wouldn't sleep with her again."

Soonyoung coughed. "Yeah, about that. Why did you even sleep with her to start with? I mean..."

"You're really asking me that?"

"Okay, then I won't ask."

Seungkwan relaxed a little, but the relief only lasted for a second. As it turned out, Soonyoung had another question.

"So, uh, how was it? You _know_..."

Seungkwan almost choked on his drink. "Dude..." _Leave it to Soonyoung to ask the important questions._

"Sorry, I'm just curious." Seungkwan didn't need to look at him to know he likely had a shit-eating grin on his face. "You gonna tell me or what?"

Seungkwan sighed. "Fine. It was fine, I guess."

"Fine? Just _fine_? Don't lie to me."

Seungkwan made a frustrated noise in his throat. "Shut up. It's not like I had anything to compare it to besides my hand. So yeah, I suppose it was decent."

Soonyoung snickered as they made their way across the street. "So it was your first time then, huh? My little Seungkwan's finally a man."

Seungkwan threw his empty cup a little too forcefully into a nearby garbage can. "Piss off. I will push you into traffic."

"No, you won't. Hey, have you eaten lunch yet? I'm starving."

"I'm not really hungry."

"Just sit with me then. Get something to take home and eat later, I don't care. I'll pay for it. I was serious about bumping up my friend status."

Seungkwan shook his head, unable to prevent a small smile from forming. "Fine. I suppose I can't turn down such a generous offer."

Soonyoung patted his shoulder. "That's more like it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I’m planning on one more chapter after this because I couldn’t fit everything I wanted into this one without making it super long :)


End file.
